The Tofu Chinchilla

Tofu is not real. It is not animal, vegetable or mineral. Ask a vegan what it is an they may launch into a spiel about regurgitated soy curd and maybe add a potted history about its invention in Ancient China - (co-incidentally at around the time water-torture was at its peak) – and will, without a doubt, mention the white stuff’s talent for imitation.


“You can use it as a substitute for anything!” they cry. “Tofu bacon, tofu chocolate, tofu wedding cakes! You need never eat real food again! The possibilities are endless!’ Carry this frightening truth to its logical conclusion, and one can ultimately see a whole world made out of tofu – tofu housing estates, tofu trains, tofu zoos containing, yes, you guessed it – tofu chinchillas. To some Extreme Vegans out there, this is a Utopian Vision.


However – to quote a critic whose name I don’t remember that I studied in my English Theory and Criticism module at Uni,(arg, gnash, post-traumatic stress disorder etc) ‘If a text can mean anything, it ultimately means nothing’. Substitute the word text for the word tofu, and you have the general thrust of my argument. Tofu has no meaning, no identity, no soul. It is culinary existentialism.


My second point : My good friend Eleanor (shoe queen of Coventry, cat collector and regular feature) believes that white food does not count as food, as white is not a colour. This somewhat shaky theory was coined after a few glasses of Red, while we were desperately looking around for excuses to open the second tub of Ben and Jerry's Vanilla, but, as she is now a doctor, I believe we must go by what she says and further add to our list of reasons why Tofu - being as white as the day is long - Isn't Real.

Chinchillas, on the other hand, are very real, and make delightful pets.




REALITY!








ILLUSION.