Five Reasons Why Sloths are ideally Suited to the Modern Office Environment

1. Every office needs a slow-poke to blame missed deadlines on.

2. A sloth sleeps most of the time. If he’s asleep, at least he can’t hog the MFD to print out his kids’ party invitations, chat endlessly about who’s invited and who’s been left off the  guest list because ‘she's a biter’, or catch you out with impromptu fire drills while you’re trying to watch Shittyflute.

3. Sloths only eat leaves for lunch. This means they will not use the tiny kitchen to microwave last night’s curry leftovers, ensuring everything that is subsequently made there –  from Simon’s Micro-Chips to Maria’s tomato cup-a-soup – tastes vaguely of turmeric-infused turkey. Leaves are inoffensive lunch fodder. Leaves can get no-one’s back up.

Is it home time? 

4. Lady sloths do not engage in maddening, super-discrete, barely-there office flirtation. One will not give you a nickname, laugh too hard at your jokes or compliment you on your Spongebob cufflinks. When a sloth is interested, she will clear her throat and let out a scream so loud and blood curdling it will shatter windows and make everyone else in the weekly catch up meeting a little embarrassed, actually. You will then have your cue to ask her out for a drink on Friday.

5. A sloth has principles. He simply refuses to pretend to be working any harder than he actually is, even when the boss walks by and peers over his shoulder to see whether the ‘nose-to-the-grindstone’ pep talk he gave on Monday has sunk in. He is, in other words, the kind of slacker you could go to the pub with.